The Worth Of All My Life by SidheWolf

Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Greg/Nick
Rating: NC17
Status: Finished
Archive: Yes
Authors Web Site: None
Series/Sequel: None (Archivist- Though now there is a sequel)
Disclaimers: I am making no money off this story
Summary: Greg loses something and finds out what it is the hard way.

The Worth of All My Life
by Sidhewolf

Now that it was over, now that it was done and he could look back on it and take it apart and think rationally about exactly what had happened, Greg was not surprised. After all, life was like that. It could carry you to the heights and then smash you back into earth with a force so powerful that you thought you could never survive. Yet, you always did...survive, that is.

Looking back over what his life had been like for the past twenty-eight years, Greg Sanders saw the epiphany of that, and not for the first time. Life could give you moments of passion so exquisite that you felt terrified at the prospect of facing their ending. And when that end did come, life could make you feel such wretched despair that you felt destined to live without hope forever.

And the really weird part of life was that all this could happen within the space of a few hours.

Greg shook his head and opened the locker where he stored his extra clothes. He reached for the shirt hanging there, not one of the colorful Hawaiian print things he had worn last year under his lab coat. No, now he dressed more sedately. Because now he was a CSI trainee in the field, working through his probationary period and trying to make CSI level one.

He was learning all the important things a good CSI field agent needed to know. And he was learning to live on far less money than his former job as CSI's top DNA lab chemist had brought him. What had he said to Grissom a few years ago? "It's not about the money?" And he remembered Grissom's answer to that statement. "That's good to know."

Yeah, money wasn't least to Greg Sanders. But look where money had gotten him now.

Removing a shirt from the hook in his locker, Greg walked toward the long bench in the center of the room. The shirt he had been wearing felt sticky and soiled. He needed to change before leaving on his first field assignment with Warrick.

Sitting alone for a moment, his mind wandered back over the night before. It was his last night in the lab and he had been so eager to finish and get home. Nick, who had been his lover for over a year now, was coming to his place today. They were going to celebrate. Nick had told him...they were going to celebrate! Nick was celebrating because Greg was going to become a CSI, just like he was. And Nick wanted to celebrate. Greg had been hard pressed to keep the smile off his face the entire shift. Nick was pleased and wanted to celebrate Greg's new job.

Nick rarely came to his place. Usually the two of them would eat breakfast after night shift and then head to Nick's house whenever they wanted to be together. They had been involved since the lab had exploded, sending Greg flying headlong through the glass wall of the lab and covering his back with burns which had needed tending. Nick had brought Greg back to his house and had tended those burns, along with anything else that Greg had needed tending.

Nick had been gentle, careful and calm. When the two of them had finally made love in Nick's big, blue bed, Greg had felt himself elevated to the plateau that was one of the high places in life. But even then, way back in the beginning, Greg had felt uneasy. Every high in his life had eventually been followed by a low of some sort, and Greg wasn't sure he would be able to handle whatever that low might involve in this particular relationship.

But yesterday had been so much better than even that first time of their relationship. Nick had arrived with a bottle of wine. The sun was up and already beating down on the Las Vegas streets, sending wavy mirages ghosting down the opened roads between work and home. Greg had pulled the shades in his apartment and the air conditioner had been humming quietly, keeping the heat down and cooling the sheets on his bed to an inviting crispness.

After the wine had been put in the refrigerator, Nick had turned and raised his hands to take Greg's face gently between his palms. Greg remembered feeling as if an electric current had suddenly coursed through his body. Nick had pulled him forward and their lips had met. The touch had been soft and caressing at first, but had almost immediately turned into a feeling as though Nick was devouring him. That tongue which had pleased Greg so often before had pressed its way into his mouth, and he had accepted it with a passion which he truly had never thought he was capable of experiencing.

Swirling and exploring and tasting, that tongue had tested every crevasse it could reach, stealing his breath and leaving him panting as Nick pulled his shirt opened and let hands that were rough and warm stroke his bare chest. Those hands brushed his nipples, then grasped and pinched, causing Greg to moan and break the ravaging of his mouth.

The moan had set Nick on a course kissing down Greg's throat, where he stopped to plunder the Adam's apple that bobbed and jerked. His hands had been busy too, pulling both their shirts off and leaving them discarded on the floor. Now those hands pulled Greg's body closer as they cupped his ass and kneaded it like a kitten's paws as it sucked at its mother's tit. Greg had moaned and thrown his head back further, giving Nick mouth free rein to consume his throat and then work its way on down toward his heaving chest.

But Nick had stopped. "I want you, Greg. I wanna be inside you. I want to feel you all around" He pulled Greg into the cool bedroom and took only a moment to strip them both of their remaining clothes. He had pushed Greg down onto the bed and then returned to take his nipples, going from one to the other, wetting them and sucking them and then teasing them between his teeth until Greg had moaned and begged for mercy.

They had said little. This wasn't the first time they had done this. Nick had pulled a condom from the drawer beside the bed. Greg had opened the little packet and carefully rolled the condom onto Nick's already hard cock. Nick had moaned as Greg's sure hands had stroked his pulsing organ after he finished the job. Leaning over Greg's body as it was splayed out on the cool bed, Nick had kissed him again. Then he had pulled back and knelt, looking long and lustfully, studying the image that Greg made as he relaxed and let his legs fall apart and opened himself to his lover.

"Oh, God, Greg," Nick had moaned. Then he had bent and deep throated Greg's waving penis.

Greg couldn't help but moan again as he remembered the feeling. Just the memory made his cock stir, and he shifted on the bench so that his hands covered his crotch.

Not only had the cave of Nick's mouth engulfed his cock, but two fingers which Nick had coated with lube, had been pushed inside him. Greg remembered being so close to orgasm that he had been forced to grasp the base of his cock, just below Nick's generous mouth, to stop himself from coming so soon.

Nick had pulled away and looked at him again, as if trying to imprint the image in his mind. And that is when Greg had said it. The words had spilled from his mouth before he had been able to stop them. He still didn't know where they had come from or why they had chosen this particular moment to leave his mouth. Even though he and Nick had been in this relationship for over a year, neither of them had every told the other exactly how they felt. But the words had escaped before he could stop them.

Needing Nick in him, fighting his orgasm, Greg had moaned and gasped when Nick had pulled away.

"God, Nick, I love you. Please. You're the worth of all my life. Please, please..."

And then Nick had entered him. Not just a little at a time like usual, letting him get used to the feel of the cock as it penetrated his body, but all in one might push. As he had entered Greg's body, he had uttered a cry that had somehow seemed to be filled with all the pain and loss that the world could hold for an eternity. He pulled back, leaving only the head of his penis inside Greg's willing body, then shoved in again and the two of them had moaned together. And that had set Nick into motion.

Over and over he had pounded Greg's prostate. By this time, Greg was unable to stop the orgasm that had been building for so long. Within minutes, he had come, spraying cum over his own stomach and chest. Nick had pumped for only a moment longer, as the spasms of Greg's inner muscles around his cock had brought him to climax, too.

They had lain together, trying to catch their breath. Then Nick had gotten up and gone to the bathroom where he had disposed of the condom and moistened a cloth. He had returned and gently cleaned the drying cum from Greg's body, kissing each spot as he washed it clean.

Silently, he had dropped the cloth beside the bed and pulled the ruffled sheets back to snuggle beside Greg. "I have to leave soon. Got some things I have to do back home this afternoon. But I want to stay for just awhile longer."

Greg had smiled, eyes closed and body sated. "That was a wonderful celebration, Nick," he had mumbled as sleep overtook him.

It had not been until the next afternoon before the shift started, when Grissom had called them all into his office, that he realized Nick had never said he loved Greg in return. Grissom's words had seemed unreal, almost mechanical. He had called them together before shift to inform them of some changes that would have to be made in the night shift. When Greg had entered Grissom's office, he had immediately become apprehensive to find only himself, Catherine and Warrick included in the meeting.

Grissom had focused on each of them for a moment, obviously trying to put off saying whatever it was that he felt needed to be discussed. Then he had pulled himself upright in his chair and gotten down to business. Greg had felt a wave of vertigo even before he heard the words. He somehow knew that this was going to be one of those awful moments when he would crash back to earth and shatter into a million pieces. Grissom's words confirmed that guess.

"I wanted to be the one to tell you this. I know you've all noticed that Sara hasn't been in to work for a few days."

Greg tried to still his racing heart. Sara. Yeah, maybe this was all about Sara. There had been some gossip in the lab about a DUI and Sara having a problem with alcohol. Maybe this was something about Sara.

Grissom continued. "Sara has been having a few personal problems. She has decided to go back to San Francisco and take a job there. She needed to be closer to her family and she decided, after thinking about some problems she was facing here in Las Vegas, that she would be better off leaving."

There was dead silence. Catherine stared, opened mouthed, at Grissom, and Warrick looked at the floor and nodded his head, as if he had suspected all along that Sara would not return.

But Grissom had not stopped. "And, I have to let you know that Nick has left, too."

The vertigo which Greg had experienced with a vengeance a moment ago, suddenly washed over him again. He was not sure when he had started using the corner of Grissom's desk as a support for his trembling body.

"Nick left this afternoon for Santa Fe. He came to me several weeks ago and wanted a raise. I tried to do what I could, but the financial department assured me that Nick was making as much as his job level here in Las Vegas could afford. The crime lab in Santa Fe offered him a raise and a job as supervisor for their day shift, and he accepted the offer two weeks ago."

Shocked silence filled the office. Greg looked down at his hand, which clutched the edge of the desk where he stood. His knuckles were white. He could feel sweat break out across his body.

Catherine was the first to speak. "Gil, we're going to need replacements."

"We've got Greg." Vaguely, Greg realized that Grissom was looking across at him. "You're going to need some supervision, but I have no doubts that you'll make a fine field agent. And Covolo has started interviewing a couple of people he things might fit in with our group. It will mean a few weeks of some overtime for all of us, but I'm sure we can all use the extra money. Now, let's get busy. Here are your assignments for tonight."

As Greg left the office, still stunned by what he had learned, he thought he heard himself whisper, "It's not about the money."

He didn't notice the others as they stared at his retreating back


There was a small shuffling noise at the door of the locker room.

Greg looked up at the sound. Bobby Dawson cleared his throat, staring at Greg and lowering his eyes. "I'm sorry, Greg. We just heard about Nick leaving. I'm really sorry about him leaving you behind for more money."

Greg looked up from his seat, surprised that anyone could have known about his relationship with Nick. He knew that Bobby was gay, but he hadn't known that Dawson suspected he and Nick of being together. But his throat closed and no words would come. He dropped his eyes again and nodded his head without a sound.

He heard Bobby leave, and then, unbidden, one traitorous tear escaped and trickled down beside his nose to balance on his top lip until he swept it away with the tip of his tongue. He hadn't heard Warrick enter, so the touch on his back startled him. The touch had been tentative at first, but when he hadn't pulled away, it became more assured and almost seemed comforting.

Gently, large dark hands circled and soothed. But it was the words that came next which shattered the dam of tears Greg was trying so desperately to suppress. "I'll take care of you, Greg. Don't worry...I'll take care of you now."

The End

*grins* The angst here is wonderful. Do you think SidheWolf is good? Then let her know and send an e-mail. Feedback is what a writer needs folks. So send it. Done it? Good. Now you choose. Home? or Fanfics?