Eyes I Dare Not Meet by Sillie

Fandom-CSI
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Category- Comfort/Angst
Disclaimer- CSI and its characters belong to Anthony Zuiker and CBS Broadcasting Company. No infringement is intended. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and the author makes no profit.
Warnings-Slash- Nick/Greg pairing
Spoilers-Play With Fire and Inside the Box (they just make for great angst fics, don't you think?)

Eyes I dare not meet…

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star
~T.S. Eliot, from ‘The Hollow men’

~*~

He could have died…

It was a sentence that crossed Nick Stokes mind a lot lately. Ever since that fateful night the DNA-lab had exploded, and Greg had been sent to the hospital.

Greg was his friend, and the last couple of months, they’d become even closer. That is, until he started to notice things. What kind of things, you might ask.

Well, for example, he’d walked in on Greg changing shirts once, and he discovered Greg had a wonderful body… He was slender but well muscled, and Nick had to rip his eyes away from Greg’s chest and abs. Greg had grinned at him and asked: “Like what you see?”

Another thing… He noticed that when Greg started to smile, he had to smile too. The guy had a great sense of humour. Well, most of the time anyway… He always could cheer Nick up, even on his worst day’s. He’d even caught himself smiling when he saw Greg, and then the guy hadn’t even said a word.

Nick also noticed Greg was really intelligent. Not that Greg made a secret of it… He knew an answer on almost everything, and if he didn’t he’d knew it the next time someone would ask for it.

And although Greg was always acting like he didn’t care what other people thought about him, he could be really insecure.

Somehow he was always looking for approval, especially from Grissom. He wanted to show he was the best in what he did, even if he was playing loud music and was walking around with wacky hair and the most awful and colourful shirts you could imagine.

He worked hard for that approval, and almost never complained. There where enough times he and the other CSIs weren’t all to nice to him when he didn’t have their results ready, or if the results weren’t the ones the CSIs where hoping for.

Which was stupid, cause it wasn’t like Greg wanted the results to be like that. And he couldn’t help it if the machines where sometimes slow in their processing.

But the thing Nick noticed above all things, where Greg’s eyes… They where a nice deep brown colour, and you could read everything in them… They were truly the windows of his soul. They glowed when he was excited, and they became even darker in colour when he was concerned or worried… and they seemed to glow with warmth whenever he was looking at him.

Greg always looked straight at him whenever they where talking, and Nick could get lost in the depths of those wonderful brown pools…

And frankly, it scared him. Greg was a guy! And not to mention a co-worker… He tried to deny his feelings. He was straight damn it! He liked girls… right?

But he couldn’t deny it to himself any longer, as one night he stood next to Greg who was watching something under the microscope. He’d leaned forward to get a look himself, and got a whiff of Greg’s smell…Damn, he smelled nice! And then, Greg had turned to explain something to him, and like always, looked straight at him with those beautiful eyes full of warmth…

Nick had to use every ounce of willpower he possessed to stop himself from pinning Greg to the counter and ravaging him. He’d excused himself and had fled the lab, leaving behind a confused and worried Greg.

So he’d started to avoid Greg. He only went to him when it was absolutely necessary, and even then he kept his distance, avoiding eye contact at all cost.

And he could see it hurt Greg. He was probably wondering what he’d done wrong… He noticed Greg had become less enthusiastic, even a bit subdued…

And then… the explosion. Nick shuddered. He hadn’t been more scared in his life… He closed his eyes as memory overtook him…

~*~*~

Nick was sitting in one of the labs, his nose buried in a case file. Around him he could hear the usual sounds of the lab, like the buzzing of electric equipment and the people talking in the other labs.

He missed one sound though… Nick winced slightly, and pushed that thought out of his head. He focussed his attention back on the file in front of him, when suddenly…

BAM!!

Nick let himself fall out of his chair, and covered his head with his hands. That sounded like an explosion… And it came from… Greg! He quickly stood and rushed to the exit, only to freeze in his tracks when he reached the door.

His eyes widened as he took in the sight of what once was the DNA-lab… The damage was enormous, but what was worse… he couldn’t see Greg anywhere… He felt dread grip his heart as he franticly looked around.

He spotted Sara sitting on the floor in the hallway, her back leaning against the wall. She appeared to be fine, only a bit dazed. She was staring at something with wide eyes, and he turned his head to follow her gaze. What he saw made his blood run cold…

Greg, laying on the floor, glass all around him, not moving…

Time seemed to slow down. He wanted to run to Greg, check if he was alright…if he was still alive…but he couldn’t move. He was rooted on the spot, when suddenly, someone grabbed his shoulders and pushed him out of the building. He was to dazed to object.

After the paramedics had made sure he was alright, he walked away, a little out of sight, and watched as Greg was wheeled out on a gurney. Grissom was walking next to him, and was talking to the paramedics.

At least Greg wasn’t laying under a white sheet, so that meant he wasn’t dead… He watched as the ambulance drove away, leaving him with his thoughts on what to do now…

~*~*~

Nick shook his head and opened his eyes again. He’d closed down after the explosion. He’d shut away his emotions, cause he was afraid he would break down otherwise. And he had a case to finish… Grissom had told him that Greg was going to be alright, so everything was fine, right?

So he had finished the case like nothing had happened. When he came to work the next day, he found out that Catherine had caused the explosion, and that she’d been suspended for a week. Luckily, it was a quiet night.

So quiet actually, that Grissom agreed on letting Warrick visit Greg in the hospital. As long as his beeper was on in case something did come up. Warrick had asked him to join, cause he was Greg’s best friend… And Nick had said yes, cause he didn’t want to raise any suspicion that something was wrong.

When they entered Greg’s room, he was relieved to see that Greg was sleeping. They stayed for a little while, watching Greg sleep, and Nick felt some relief flood through him as he actually saw him breathe. He looked really fragile though… His hair sticking in every possible angle, the hospital bed making him look very small. And with all the band aids and the white hospital gown, he looked 10 years younger…

Just as they where leaving, a doctor came to check on Greg. He told them Greg could leave the hospital soon. He had to stay home for at least 2 weeks after that, so he could heal properly. Nick remembered the doctors last words exactly…

“He’s a very lucky guy… If he’d been any closer to the explosion, or if he’d been facing the other way…he could have died…”

Warrick had nodded and thanked the doctor. The doctor had smiled at them, and then he’d ushered them out of Greg’s room.

The rest of the day had been a blur. His thoughts kept going back to those words: ‘He could have died.’ And that’s when the dreams started. They always went the same.

He’d been standing in a church, in a black suit, and all the people around him where crying. He didn’t know why though… Then he would spot the coffin. He was on a funeral… He would always walk up to the coffin, to see who was in it… And to his horror, it was Greg, dressed neatly, his eyes closed like he was just sleeping…

Then suddenly, he was outside. The weather was nice, the sun shining. He was standing on a graveyard, in front of a grave. The wind was blowing softly, making it look like the trees where dancing, and he could swear he’d hear voices softly singing…

He would bent down to read the inscription on the stone: ‘Here lies Gregory Sanders…’ He could never read any further, cause he would always wake up screaming at that point, sweating and crying…

Which brings us to the situation Nick was in now, mulling over that cursed sentence that was haunting him for 3 weeks now…

‘He could have died…’ >{?He shivered and shook his head. Then he glanced at his alarm clock. It was no use to go back to sleep now. It was almost time to go to work anyway. He slowly got up, and made his way to the bathroom.

There he quickly stripped out of his boxers, and stepped under the stream of warm water. He closed his eyes, and leaned his forehead against the cool tiles. This couldn’t go on any longer… The last time he had some decent sleep was way to long ago.

He sighed, and pushed himself away from the tiles. He had to talk to Greg. Ignoring him clearly wasn’t working, and became harder every day. He missed the guy, and he felt guilty for being such a lousy friend. He knew Greg needed friends now more than ever…

As he dressed himself, he made up his mind. He would talk to Greg today. He would apologise for being such a lousy friend. He could only hope that Greg would forgive him…

Luck wasn’t on Nick’s side. As he entered the building, Grissom got hold of him and told him to hurry up. Double homicide… Nick silently cursed, and followed Grissom, hoping he could get a chance later that night to talk to Greg…

Later turned out to be very much later. He had to pull a double shift, and when they finally could go home, he was beat. He slowly walked through the hall, and was surprised when he saw someone in the DNA lab. As far as he knew, the lab was deserted…

He glanced through the window, and froze as he recognized Greg. What was he still doing here? Grissom had told him not to do overtime just yet, cause he was still recovering. He silently watched Greg, and frowned as he realised he wasn’t moving. He was sitting still, staring at something. Nick couldn’t see what, cause Greg had his back to him.

He softly entered the lab, and slowly approached Greg. As he got closer, he could see Greg was staring at his hands. Nick eyes widened slightly as he realised Greg’s hands where shaking…

Suddenly, Greg seemed to sense he wasn’t alone anymore, and he whirled around to face Nick. Nick froze on his place as he stared into Greg’s eyes… They where glistening with unshed tears, and dark with pain…

When he saw who was with him, Greg frowned. “What are you doing here Nick? Shouldn’t you go home?” Nick winched slightly at the dead tone of Greg’s voice.

“Shouldn’t you be home either? I thought Grissom had told you not to do overtime for a while?” Greg’s face darkened, and he turned his back to Nick.

“Why do you care?” He ground out. Nick was taken aback by the hostility that had slipped into Greg’s voice. He stepped forward and grabbed Greg’s shoulder.

“Greg…”

Greg grabbed Nicks hand and removed it from his shoulder. Nick could feel the tremors running through Greg’s hand non-stop.

“Greg… Your hands are shaking…”

Nick knew it where the wrong words to say the second they left his lips. Greg stiffened and balled his hands to tight fists.

“What do you want from me Nick? You had no trouble staying away from me before…”

Greg’s voice sounded strange, restrained. And Nick should have expected this. Of course Greg was mad. They’d been friends, and then Nick had, without a reason, started to avoid him… Nick swallowed and struggled to find the right words.

“Look, Greg… I’m sorry…” It sounded lame even to his own ears. Greg let out a laugh, although it sounded more like a sob.

“Yeah, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I considered you a friend…”

“You are my friend!” Nick interrupted him. At those words, Greg spun around. Nick could clearly see the anger blazing in his eyes.

“Then where were you? I needed a friend Nick! Hell, I still need a friend…” He trailed of, and a tear made his way down Greg’s cheek. He closed his eyes and angrily wiped it away. It broke Nicks heart to see Greg like this, and he cursed himself again for ignoring Greg. He wished he was better at this emotional stuff. He was sure Catherine would know what to do…

He closed his own eyes and decided to go with his feeling for once, instead of his mind. He opened his eyes when he heard a muttered ‘shit’ from Greg, and saw how another tear slid down Greg’s cheek.

He breathed deeply once, and let his feelings take over. He stretched his arms and carefully pulled Greg into an embrace. He expected Greg to struggle. So when Greg grabbed his shirt tightly and buried his head in the crook of his neck, he was very surprised. He felt Greg’s entire body shake, but he was still holding back.

“Let it go…” He whispered in Greg’s ear, and that was all Greg needed to hear. Silent sobs started to rock his body, and Nick felt his shirt getting wet. He blinked back his own tears, and wrapped his arms tighter around Greg. He started to rock him slowly, murmuring comforting words in his ear. He didn’t really know what he was saying, but apparently it worked, cause after some time, Greg slowly calmed down.

Slowly, he looked up, and Nick could see tears where still running down his face.

“I thought you hated me, that I had done something wrong…” Greg voice was soft, and he didn’t look at Nick like he used too. Nick shook his head.

“No… I don’t hate you, and you didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. I was scared…”

Greg blinked in confusion. “Scared? Of what?”

Okay, this was it. He had to tell this, because he owed it to Greg. He took a deep breath.

“I was scared of my feelings for you…”

Greg still looked confused, but there shimmered also a little hope in his eyes. That hope gave Nick the strength to continue.

“I like you Greg… a lot. I’m not used to these feelings, so I ran away…”

A small smile appeared on Greg’s face. “You like me?”

Nick grinned a little, and nodded. “yeah…” Greg’s smile got a little wider.

“I like you too…”

Nick reached up and stroked the tears from Greg’s cheeks with his thumb. Then he leaned in and slowly kissed Greg. Greg sighed and closed his eyes, surrendering totally.

Minutes later they parted, both smiling lazily. When Nick yawned widely, Greg had to chuckle softly.

“Am I that boring?”

Nick smiled. “No, you’re far from boring… I’m just terribly tired. I had to pull a double shift, and I haven’t had a decent sleep in weeks…”

Greg nodded. “I can sympathise with that… haven’t been sleeping greatly myself.” Nick felt a little guild at that statement, and he looked at the ground.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” he said softly, “It was stupid to think the feelings would go away if I ignored you…”

Greg interrupted him with a kiss on his cheek. “Enough of that now. You need sleep.”

Nick nodded. “yeah, and you do too.” He felt the blood rush up to his face as he looked up at Greg.

“Would you uh… like to come to my place? I think I would sleep a lot better if you’re near… And I think we need to talk. I mean, we can do that tomorrow if you…”

He was silenced by a finger on his lips. “You’re rambling…” Greg said, “that’s my job.” Nick grinned.

“Anyway… Yeah, I would like that…”

Relieve flooded though Nick, and a smile that could light up the entire lab slipped onto his face. Greg chuckled, and Nick was happy to see some of the sparkle back in his eyes.

“Well, let’s go then…” He stepped back a bit, and offered Greg his arm, who took it, grinning.

It was the first night in weeks they both slept well…